December Plan Day 18: The one person you need to forgive

Have you noticed that when you set the intention to connect with your divine Voice on the page every day, those ten or fifteen minutes morph until it seems every moment becomes a vehicle for guidance, wisdom, and grace — even the most mundane?

Like running errands. After mailing three orders for Solarzar’s Theta Music CD at the post office yesterday afternoon, I drove to the library to return a book. The library is on the same street as my son’s high school. I’ve driven it hundreds, probably thousands, of times. Nebraska is an unremarkable street of typical Florida cement block homes. But yesterday something remarkable happened there.

Nebraska is a fun street in December. Many of the neighbors decorate for the holidays. As I passed one candy-cane filled yard, my eye fell on the plain brown house next door. The yard was overgrown, the roof layered with leaves. I know that house. It belonged to my first post-divorce boyfriend. He sold it before we went out, so I’ve never been inside, but he pointed it out once when we were driving somewhere. In the moment it took to drive past that house at thirty-five miles an hour, I felt a little twinge of neglect. He should have loved me more.

Huh? Where did that come from? I had no idea I was carrying any regret for that relationship. He wasn’t even the one who ended the relationship. I did. And I ended it ten years ago, for heavens sake! So why on earth was I feeling even the slightest speck of sorrow?

I know why. It’s because of this December Plan. This particular week of the December Plan. My old boyfriend’s old house had a message about forgiveness for me. And its not the message you might expect. The message is not about forgiving old lovers.

I realized as I drove past his house that any time anyone pulls away, even a little bit, and even for all the right reasons, and even because we ask them to, we feel at a subterranean level that somehow it was our fault. Somehow we were not enough. Not attractive enough, not smart enough, not clever enough, not rich enough, not organized enough, not focused enough…. Somehow we were not enough.

It’s a demented logic loop, I know. Here’s how it basically sounds:

If I were good enough, everyone would love me. They couldn’t help it.
So, if someone does not love me totally, madly, and completely…
I must not be good enough.

It sounds pretty comical laid out like that. But please don’t laugh. Look instead for the truth inside the loop. Go ahead, test it for yourself. Pick a relationship that didn’t work out. Even, or especially, one you chose to end. If you peek behind the door, I think you’ll find that at a deep emotional level, a deep irrational emotional level, you feel that somehow you didn’t hold the other person’s attention. If you had been just a wee bit more __________ — something — then he or she would never have turned to someone else, or fallen out of love with you, or simply stopped being interested.

Why is this such a big message? And why is it so important for this week? Because it proves that there is really only one person who needs forgiving.

You.

Not the other guy. You. It’s always you. The wound is inside of you. It’s not about what the other guy did. That can and will be forgiven, but the first wound, the greatest wound, and the hardest one to heal, is inside of you.

Have you noticed that?

Advertisements

4 Comments on “December Plan Day 18: The one person you need to forgive”

  1. Leslie says:

    Wow Janet! Thank you for this insight. It brought wounds and tears to the front as I read it but it is the truth and forgiving myself will be a hard thing to do. This December plan was a fantastic idea! I know I will be ready for 2010 when it comes!

    • janetconner says:

      Leslie: Forgiving ourselves is always the hardest thing to do. And the most important. When I was going through my divorce, I was certainly livid at all the things my husband was doing, BUT the real person I was furious with was myself for having married him, for having allowed it, for having put myself and my son in that situation. I spent a lot of time on the page talking with God about how to forgive myself. When I finally did, the rest of the story, including forgiving my husband, began to unfold. This is rich stuff indeed. I’m so glad it’s helpful.

  2. Fay Hart says:

    Janet,
    I love you ‘totally, madly and completely’! You are such a powerful woman and courageous to lay your heart bare like this.

    I am going to make certain that I take no lingering unforgiving subterranean blues into 2010 with me – what a waste! We have work to do. Thank you for encouraging such housecleaning. xox

  3. Dianna says:

    Good thought!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s